an admission
many nights I lie awake and think about us. most of the time when I do, I cry. It never should have been like this you know. But I must have been more naive and childish than I thought, thinking that things could be so black and white. Hoping that things could be black and white. And you chose the path our relationship would take, this bullshit relationship that means nothing, where neither of us would even admit that the other exists anymore.
WHY is it, that I have dumped you six times and I still am with you?
I'm afraid that all of my relationships will be the same, that I'll bring YOUR shit into the next one. So I just don't bother looking for the next guy and just stick with you because you 'say' you love me and because I've nowhere else to go. But I feel I can't stay with you, when I'll just keep spiraling down. When you realize after TWO years of pushing me away that maybe now you might want me around. It's too little, too late.

i just LOVE these for some stupid reason
Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment?
Yes. I'm easily able to commit my body to one person, but my mind and my emotions are generally... they're not slutty. They just don't want to get hurt I guess.

Are you dressing up for Halloween this year?
No. I haven't really dressed up in a long time. I'll probably dress up my dog because I'm Crazy Pug Lady.

Whens your birthday?
Wednesday November 14, 1984 at 3:51 in the morning. I like doing all those numerology day astrology things. Important stuff.

Who was the last girl you had a conversation with?
My... coworker? If you consider a 50 year old woman a girl.

What do you do before you go to bed?
Normally I pick up anything I don't want my pugmonkey to chew on.
Last night I put together a Lego police station with AJ because I'm a nerd. I like Legos.

Where did you last go out to eat?
The Melting Pot. MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmm.

Do you have unlimited texting?
no. It's $4.99 a month for a 1000 texts. I usually don't text too much particularly at work, since my boss worries I'll be texting out peoples social security numbers. (which I wouldn't btw) And outside of working I only know a few people whom all just call me.

You just got rushed to the hospital, who is the first person you call?
If I'm supposed to be at work, my boss. Then my Momma. Then AJ.

When was the last time you totally broke down?
What day DON'T I break down? This applies to the last 8 months or so. Usually I'm the "Ice Queen"

Are you a nice person?
I try to be until people are rude to me. Then I'm incredibly cold and aloof. Most of the time I'm ok nice.

Whose bed did you sleep on last night?
AJs. I prefer mine, it's squishier and smells like me.

What are your plans for tomorrow?
I'm taking a test so I can hopefully get promoted. Then work. Then drive massive amounts of mail to the post office. Then back to work. Then home.

Go back to when you and your ex were dating, if you tattooed their name on you would you regret it?
This is something I wouldn't do in the first place. It's an instant death sentence anytime you tattoo a name on yourself. Your relationship will go to shambles, your kids will die, your doggy will get hit by a car. Not happening.

Do you like to run?
NO NO NO NO NO. But I can swim forever. and I love weightlifting, situps, and yoga.

Who of the opposite sex has seen you at your worst?

Have you ever slept a whole day away?
Yes, it was wonderful.

Have you ever won anything from the radio?
No, I don't listen to the radio. My dad won tickets to the B52s once, that was super cool.

Do you remember what you wore last night?
I slept in my clothes. I was feeling all sensitive and such.

How many people do you fully trust?
Including myself? 0.

Who's your last text message from?

Has this year been a good year?
No. Last year sucked ass too. I try to be hopeful that it WIL get better.

Will you keep your last name when you get married?
(if I get married) depending on my mood and his last name. I might do the myname-hisname deal.

The best feature about the opposite sex?
Smell, eyes, how HARD they try, smell, sense of humor, how laid-back they are, and smell.

Have you smoked a cigarette today?
Yuck. Absolutely not.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
Yes, I can't stand kissing smokers. I dated one, and it was horrible.

When's the last time you were on the phone after 2AM?
Um.... I'm an old lady I guess... I never stay up that late.

What song are you listening to?
Dekhane Ki Cheez Hoon Main by Laxmikant Pyarelal because I'm all Bollywoody and all.

Where is the shirt you are wearing from?
AJs closet to be honest with you.

Can you run in heels?
Nope. Or in flats. Or in sneakers. I trip on air.

Are you a mean person?
Inadvertently yes. People who know me and love me just know I'm a flake.

Does anyone hate you?
I'm sure a ton of people do, I try not to care, but do nothing to sway peoples opinions otherwise.

Do you know anyone whose name starts with an X?
uh... no.

Do you think relationships are even worth it?
As long as people don't take them for granted. Which they always do.

What are you going to do this weekend?
Probably cleaning. I'd like to go to Reno, if AJ lets me borrow his Jeepy.

Do you know something you want to tell someone but can't?
All the time. I'm awful at confrontation and being open.

The shirt your wearing, does anyone else have it?
HAHAHA, every man in the US. It's one of those cotton Jerzeez you buy in a 3pack at Walmart.

Do you think age matters in relationships?
Generally, yes. Sometimes people can't relate to eachother when there's a huge gap.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
twice now. But I did some breaking too, I'm no saint.

Have you said anything hurtful to anyone in the past 24 hrs?
Not.... that I'm aware of.

What have you done today?
Sat at work being all bored, kissed my puggy, googled stupid things, listened to pandora, and discussed snakes and pirahnas with my coworkers.

Are you looking forward to anything?
I try to look forward to things or make things to look forward to or I get all depressed and unbearable for other people to handle.

What is your favorite color?
lavender. hot pink. black. cerulean. sea green. silver. in that order.

Do you think anyone has given up on you?
God I hope not.

Are you single?
Technically, no. Acoording to the government, yes.

When is the last time you had a nose bleed?
a long time ago. I used to get them every night, would wake up coughing on blood. yah gross, I know. I was maybe 5 or 6.

Whose your bestfriend?
"Whose?" Talula! I love my dog.

When life throws you lemons....
squeeze them into your pomegranate iced tea.

What is one thing you do when your nervous?
become breathless, shiver, fiddle with things, um and avoid eye contact. dead givaways. I get nervous about emotional things, never job interviews or whatnot.

getting shit off my chest
today's been pretty rough for me. most days are pretty rough in general, because life, you know, sucks.

But today has been nearly unbearable. I have spent probably the last three hours of my workday (writing this included) farting around on the internet. My brain has officially shut off. This whole time I feel a little worried that I'll lose my job being that I work for the government and all, and your tax dollars are going to my internet usage. In a way I kinda hope I get fired, then I'll at least have SOMETHING happen. I deal with all these unemployed people and feel a little jealous, because yah, they're broke, but at least they aren't stuck like I am. They have options to change their careers and work on things they've been meaning to. It's a little hard to explain exactly how unhappy I am. All I know is that things to look forward to come rarely, and sporadically, and days just kinda drone by and by. I really have no clue what day it is most of the time, and can easily go two-three days with only my dog as a companion. I feel stuck not only in my job (which I've been here a whole fucking year), but in the town I live (I was born in this town and hate it), in my relationship (I keep dumping him. I do), with my family (I live two blocks away from my mother) and don't know how much longer I can handle this.
My therapy is not helping, my anti-depressants aren't helping, I've applied for every job I'm qualified for (and some I'm not) so you can't say that I've done nothing to help my situation. I think it's safe for me to say that I desperately need help.

Thanks for reading, any of you that have. :)

May Kate and Ashley?
While you may not be anti-social, you do need (and deserve) your private time and space to retreat from the world. Unlike extroverts, you need to develop a concept of the world or some aspect of it before experiencing it. Too much socializing may sap your energies. Your energies are derived from exploring the inner world of ideas, impressions and pure thought.
While you do process information through your senses you add a twist to your processing by relying on intuition and serendipity. You look for undercurrents of meaning and abstractions in what you experience physically. You do not just see things just as they are, but as what they could be. While you may rely on common sense at times, you trust inspiration far more.
You like to have as much information as possible before making a decision. Putting off a final decision until the last moment does not make you uncomfortable. Indeed once a decision is made, a course plotted, you may feel a bit uneasy, because you feel bound to a certain course of action. You would much prefer to wait and see what happens. You enjoy the opportunity to improvise. Commitments are not etched in stone to you, and are changeable.
You evaluate data and reach conclusions by using your ability to apply logical, objective analysis to the information before you. Your thinking process values consistency and fairness over the affect your decisions will have on others. You compare courses of action logically and make your choices based upon what consequences you see them as having. If there is something wrong with a plan, you are the one to ferret it out. It is important to remember that this does not mean you are cold and unfeeling, but that your thinking process is analytical.
Your Personality Type

You need your time to yourself. Indeed, you need this time so much that some may see you as being more than somewhat private, but aloof and unapproachable. You are iconoclastic, nonconformist by nature and capable of brilliant, original thought. Your analytical skills make you a natural problem solver. You are able to ferret out the contradictions and flaws in logic in almost anyone's thinking--including your own. You are independent, inquiring, and insightful.

In relationships you are loyal to those you care for, but you can become so absorbed in your work and inner world that you neglect them. You may show your feelings for others in ways that are too subtle for them to recognize. To be at your best you need to be insulated from conflict. Your appearance or that of others doesn't cause you much concern. You are non-materialistic. You can be difficult to approach at first, but are usually very accepting of people and their idiosyncrasies once you know them. You are a conceptual thinker, so it is only natural that a good conversation to you revolves around conceptual things and is devoid of chitchat. Many of the activities you love may exclude those around you--they are single person or two person pursuits. You will pursue knowledge throughout your life.

Famous People of Your Type:

Socrates, Rene Descartes, Blaise Pascal, Sir Isaac Newton, James Madison, John Quincy Adams, John Tyler, Dwight D. Eisenhower, Gerald Ford, William Harvey, C. G. Jung, William James, Albert Einstein, Tom Foley, Henri Mancini, Bob Newhart, Rick Moranis, Meryl Streep, Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen.

Occupations Suited to Your Type Include:

Archaeologist, architect, artist, astronomer, biologist, chemist, programmer, engineer, designer, historian, inventor, mathematician, musician, philosopher, photographer, doctor, psychologist, researcher, scientist, professor, and writer.

I just haven't been wanting to write anything. At least nothing online. Now, my real paper journal, shoved under my bed at home is filled with all my idiotic redundancy but.... I just can't seem to write here. After I get my computer fixed and maybe a life, perhaps then you will here from me.
ciao for now

Lots of pillows or just one?
two.  One polyester, and one down.

What kind of books do you read?
Um... Harry Potter, anything by Neil Gaiman, religious studies, history (usually french, british and german), nazi germany, german folktales and many many childrens books.

What's the cutest thing you've seen today?
This one guy who was picking his teeth.  Why it was cute I cannot tell you, but it was.

What's your occupation?
paperpusher for the State.  I can't give out my official job title.  Because I'm all important and stuff.

What's really creepy?
snakes, people following you, random people going through your stuff, snakes,  people who stare at you and you don't know what they're thinking, and snakes.

What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
Gothic Lolita, Harry Potter (I know, terrible), sweatshirts (in AUGUST!!), Monster, string cheese, and that one guy who was picking his teeth.

What flavor ice cream would you choose right now?
Rocky Road and Mint Chocolate Chip.  But not together. 

What websites do you always visit when you go online?
Myspace, hotmail, livejournal, and the state website.  In that order.

What was the last thing you bought?
2 Monster from am/pm.  I'm bad.  I NEED to quit!

If you could meet one person alive who would that be?
There's too many.  Basically every band I listen to, Every author, every artist that's still alive, and all my extended family on my dad's side.

Do you get cravings? 
yes..... of alot of things.

What do you do to change your mood? 
I usually try to distract myself, go shopping, call my mum, walk my poochie, that sort of thing.  And if I go home and I'm still in a bad mood, I go shopping, call my mum, and walk my poochie all over again.

Do you want to learn another language?
Yah, I've been meaning to hone my German skills for just eons.

Five things you can't live without.
Chapstick, down blankets, monster, men, and my iPod.  I will DIE without these things!

Find the closest book currently sitting near you and flip to page 54. What is the first sentence of the second paragraph?
I'm at work, I don't have any books.  :(

What's something you'd like to say to someone right now?
Ok, so you'll put up pictures of yourself and your dog, but not pictures of yourself and your girlfriend?  You're a tool.
So, um, I really like you.  Like, alot.  Just so you know. 

What are you looking forward to?
The day when everything all works out. 

a failure of epic proportions

for once I just want something to work out.  Not this, "If you were like this, we could be together." Not that, "I'm sorry, it's all my fault, I ruined our relationship from the start."  My people should just accept it from the beginning rather than being disappointed.
I am a lone island in feeling this.  Make it good from the beginning and keep it good.

Why can't I be someones type?  How is it that I am NEVER someone's type? 

What the fuck am I? 
an unusual experience. 
I guess.

Maybe I don't want to be your experience. 
maybe I want to be just your type. 
maybe I want you to just blurt everything out about everything. 
maybe I just want you to appreciate that I want you to be the best you can.
maybe I want an unforced compliment every once and awhile.
maybe I want you to think I'm beautiful and let me know by taking pictures and taking me out.
maybe I want you to realize that I'm not like the other girls, that I don't want to rush things, but I want openness.

or am I just a fucking failure?

I give.




I love eddie izzard. I love legos.  SO natch, here's a video.

anybody who's ANYBODY
Has a Myspace AND a Facebook AND a Twitter AND a....
I'm kinda fucking over it.
Hell, even Livejournal is so five years ago.

For real, who gives a shit anymore.  Nothing lasts

in a nutshell

Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
How is it you sing?
How can you jubilate,
Sitting in cages,
Never taking wing?
Outside the sky waits,
Beckoning, beckoning,
Just beyond the bars.
How can you remain,
Staring at the rain,
Maddened by the stars?
How is it you sing
How is it you sing?
Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
How is it you sing?
Whence comes this melody constantly flowing?
Is it rejoicing or merely halloing?
Are you discussing or fussing
Or simply dreaming?
Are you crowing?
Are you screaming?
Ringdove and robinet,
Is it for wages,
Singing to be sold?
Have you decided it's
Safer in cages,
Singing when you're told?

My cage has many rooms,
Damask and dark.
Nothing there sings,
Not even my lark.
Larks never will, you know,
When they're captive.
Teach me to be more adaptive.
Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
Teach me how to sing.
If I cannot fly,
Let me sing.

Green finch and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
Teach me how to sing.
If I cannot fly,
Let me sing ...


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